is behind me now, having concluded last night at a wedding dinner of lamb chops and halibut (vegs and pasta included) at a mansion overlooking Useless Bay here on Whidbey.
It might also have been the most embarrassing wedding of my career. But I'll let my mother tell her story, which has enough similarities to help you figure out the scenario. Here's Mona, channeling from the Great Beyond:
"I was just out of my teens, I think, and getting ready to go to my first teaching job out on the Oregon Slope, but I needed to do some shopping. So I dressed nicely and went to Meier and Frank in downtown Portland. I especially needed underwear, since the elastic in my old unmentionables was getting unreliable.
"I'd bought myself several pairs of nice sturdy underpinnings and was walking through the displays on the first floor, going toward the street so I could catch the bus home, when I felt a distinct shift in my underclothes. Oh no, I thought, and quickly clasped my knees together so that I could prevent further sliding of the garment. This made me walk strangely, so I stopped at a nearby counter, pretending to examine the display of goods there, waited till other shoppers and salespersons had passed by, then let the offending article drop to the floor, stepped out of it, kicked it under the counter, and walked on."
Yesterday's wedding was on the beach, which entailed a long processional walk down through the 100+ chairs set up in the sand. Beach walking makes one walk funny anyhow and it was all I could do to stay upright as I tried to walk dignifiedly toward the driftwood arbor which had been set up just out of reach of the high tide. But I managed, we got through the ceremony in fine shape, and it wasn't until we had safely recessed and I was on my way to my car that my wardrobe malfunction occurred.
Fortunately, I could hurry to my car to fix the situation as best I could, and then I hurried home quickly before driving to the dinner. This gave me plenty of time to offer grateful prayers to the Cosmos for its timing. The alternative was beyond my comprehension. I'm sure you understand. Next time, next time, I will succumb and wear pantyhose. Just in case.