I just sat down and wrote a four page regurgitation of some of the things on my mind this morning. I didn't know how to express any of them appropriately for the blog, so I settled on a private unburdening to relieve the tension I have been experiencing for a couple of days.
It's interesting how effective this is for me. My cats are usually the ones who hear my complaints and worries and they are not the best audience, focused as they are on licking their fur, begging for food, whining for petting, etc. It's hard to feel that they are really very concerned about my myriad concerns. And it's not appropriate for me to talk about my worries and resentments to parishioners because my feelings are often not very ministerial in nature and occasionally they are related to parishioners. I won't post my rant on the blog because I don't want to get in the habit of posting stuff that is just plain negative. It's just not me. And anyhow, you would be incredibly bored!
So when I get down in the dumps, I tend to pull up a blank document on the computer and let 'er rip, writing down exactly what I think and feel about whatever it is that's got me down. I say all the things I would never say to anyone but a shrink. I try to be accurate and I write out every badass feeling and inclination I've experienced about the situation. I acknowledge where I may have gone wrong and I also blame other people when it feels right. I use bad language. I express intense dislike of people I dislike intensely. And when it's all written down, I read it out loud and see if I've got it all right, adding what I need to add. I save the document and may reread it later or I may trash it.
Doing this gives me the relief that comes from saying just exactly what's on my mind, no holds barred. I can't do this anywhere else but privately. If any of my dear congregants are reading this, they should rest assured that there is nothing in this rant about any of them! It's largely ways I have let myself down or have let others down. It's an effort to be honest about what I've done that's not up to my own high standards and to look at how I might have behaved differently or might behave differently in the future.
I guess you could call it a written prayer.