I planned to watch the George Clooney movie "Syriana" tonight, but I felt so melancholic as the movie developed that I shut it off and turned to the Harry Potter movie that was on. Now I've shut that off too and am back at the computer.
My ex-husband bears such a resemblance to George Clooney that it makes me sad, even though I think GC is a fine actor, a goodlooking guy, and a fairly admirable character. But watching him on the screen, I notice myself turning his face into L's face, wishing things had been different, wishing we had not grown so far apart and hurt each other so much, wishing we had given our son a better model for marriage, as he heads into his own marriage in a few months.
We got married because we thought we ought to. Each of us was rebounding from another relationship, we had a good time together, and we thought that would be enough. For some people, it might have been, but each of us had different ideas about what makes a good marriage and we couldn't carry it off, couldn't find the common ground, even with the birth of our dear son. And by the time we separated, we had each inflicted a world of hurt on the other, mostly accidentally, unthinkingly, not realizing how seriously we were eroding any foundation we might have had for a good marriage.
I regret our failures frequently, but I also know that had we stuck with it, we likely would not be as happy as we each are today. I certainly would not have gone into the ministry. He would not have found the woman he is now married to. Our son would have grown up in an environment that might well have affected his ability to find happiness. As painful as it was, it was the right thing to do. And our friendship has survived; it did not die when the marriage ended. We managed that, at least.
Talking with my son on the phone this evening has revived a lot of old memories. I know he reads this blog occasionally and I hope he finds hope and encouragement in it. He is the light of my life; he is "my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." And he seems to have the good sense and commitment and understanding that marriage demands of a couple. May he and his darling J. find long life and happiness together.