Is PTSD part of the Q(ueer) package?

 I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and how it affects human behaviors as we strive to live with each other in community.  And since June is Pride Month, I'm particularly thinking about how it might relate to the Q community.  I'm not a therapist.  I'm more of a chaplain or counselor in my relationships with Q folks.

Almost every person I know who is part of the Queer universe (asexual, bisexual, homosexual, lesbian, gay, transgender, misgendered, intersex, or any of the other layers of sexual and gender diversity) has some strikingly common characteristics:  intelligence, creativity, talent, strong leadership skills, courage,... and hidden pain from the deep wounds of being different all their lifetimes.

I've talked with teenagers, young adults, and older adults for almost 50 years about gayness, listening to stories of bullying, physical and emotional abuse, denial of true self, fear of discovery, suicidal ideation, dangers of disease, wanting to be honest but scared of the outcome, and all these conversations have led me to understand that many, perhaps most, people in the Queer universe have been hurt badly during their lives.  

It can be hard to overcome the damage done by PTSD experiences, especially when it's buried deep in emotional receptors;  fear and mistrust of those who may inflict further pain can make interpersonal relationships hard to create and maintain.  A certain defensiveness can become a coping strategy, especially when hard work does not appear to be appreciated. Healing occurs through deliberate effort, often therapy, and deliberate behavior changes.

I've noticed that in groups of people, like a organization's board or other community agency involved in doing good work in the world,  the great creativity and leadership skills in such a group tend to produce many different takes on how things should be done.  

Hard-won, sometimes fragile self-esteem can make it hard to find common ground when ideas clash.  People take sides and a schism can emerge, damaging the effectiveness of whatever project is under consideration.  Without a way to resolve the conflict, fears and defensiveness define the way forward.

But it often isn't really forward, it's backwards, because some good ideas aren't heard or accepted and frustration with each other delays the planning of an event or making decisions.  And the work stalls, the feelings are negative, and the damage to a desirable goal is considerable, to say nothing of the scabs pulled off of old wounds.

Sometimes the best next step is to wait till feelings cool and then test the waters.  Often, though, an opportunity for all to vent feelings of anger and disappointment, as well as the fear that cherished projects will fall apart, is a better option, if there is a trusted, neutral person to listen and to reflect what they are hearing, in a safe space.

The ABC's of Q

The ABC’s of Q

There are some new letters in the Q alphabet, along with a whole lot

 of new understandings of gender identity and sexual attraction.  Most of us are probably familiar with the standard acronym LGBT and many are likely acquainted with the additional letters of Q and I (queer and intersex).  We’ve become more comfortable with the changes emerging in the language of sexual and gender diversity:  

CISgender, for example, means someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth and we tend to automatically think of other humans falling mostly within that definition.  So it has been really important that, as the term “homosexual” began to feel pejorative and limited, the non-CIS population of our world has expanded to include layers of sexual and gender identity that have been previously unknown except to those who inhabit those identities.

According to a recent NYT article, there’s pansexual, someone attracted to people of all gender identities; demisexual, someone who does not experience sexual attraction except to someone with whom they have a strong emotional connection; and graysexual, someone who occasionally experiences sexual attraction but usually does not, so it’s a gray area.  

We are getting more comfortable with the knowledge that many people identify neither as male nor female but see themselves outside the gender binary, and call themselves Nonbinary.  They may also use the term genderqueer, exhibiting both traditionally masculine and feminine qualities or neither.  

Gender fluid is a term used by people whose identity shifts or fluctuates.  Gender neutral describes someone who prefers “they” as their singular pronoun, not described by a specific gender.  The Pride Rainbow refracts into a beautiful panorama of color and inclusion.

There’s one more letter in the acronym and that’s A.  I’ve previously thought of it as signifying Ally and Advocate, but as I age and get ever nearer to my 80th birthday, I realize that gradually I have let go of my search for a sexual partner and I have become comfortably Asexual, a person who experiences little or no sexual attraction—to anyone.  

I am eager to give and to receive love but not sexual love.  It’s different from celibacy, which is a discipline sometimes required by religious vows; it is an understanding that I am attracted to people for nonsexual reasons, and this is both a physical and an emotional condition. 

It is also a huge relief to know that this is normal!  Yes, I have formerly lived a life as Ms. Kitty, an eager ciswoman attracted to men, but now I want friends, not lovers.