Goodbye and thanks for all the .........

SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE…
Rev. Kit Ketcham, PUUF, 5/12/2019

Well, we’re still six weeks out from the actual end-point of my ministry with you, but I thought Mother’s Day might be a good day to look at what my role with you has been and how it developed, what I think we’ve accomplished together, and some ideas for the future. Don’t I sound like a Mom sending her child off to college?

This transitional period in our life together as members and minister of PUUF has given me much food for thought and it seems useful at this point to examine just how I came into your life as a minister to this congregation and how some of the issues we are dealing with now arose out of that somewhat weird situation.

We didn’t have a normal “search and call” process at all. We missed out on most of the benefits of the search process. I moved here, I was handy, I was not ready to be fully retired, and I offered to help. I had also been friends with people in the congregation for years. And that set us up for some of the changes that come up over the years.

As I got involved, I could see that PUUF’s leadership was struggling to get everything done. There were some wonderful things happening, like the Christmas family, Guest at Your table, and other activities led by layleaders who had been with the Fellowship for a long time. They were doing a great job and I felt no need to get involved in those things because of their leadership. There were many other needs to address. So I turned to other things.

As time went on, I took on more and more responsibilities but I still wanted to be at least partly retired, so I didn’t take on things layleaders were already doing. This led to a lack of awareness on my part of the need to continue these things later on.

We began to grow. We went from about 20 diehard members in what you might call a “mom and pop” congregation to more of a pastor-led congregation, meaning that the pastor was doing more than the layleaders could manage. And it happened very rapidly.

I took on the annual pledge drive, and we kicked it off with a nice dinner, working with a small ad hoc committee. I restarted the Tillamook county group with June Baumler and started the koffee klatches on the peninsula and in South County and we created the Astoria Happy Hour. I agreed to preach once a month, do pastoral care (we had two folks at that time in the end stages of their lives—Michael Link and Ruth Jensen), and I instituted a UU 101 class as a requirement for membership.

We outgrew the space we had at the little green church on the south slope, which was starting to fall apart without adequate maintenance efforts, and after many months of a facilities search, we found the PAC to be the best fit. We voted in the fall of 2016 to move into this space. We had had the sad experience of being rejected by one nice facility because of our theological differences and we were glad to have a place to settle, having been through a struggle to make the decision to move from our earlier much beloved space.

All this change, in space, in programming, in membership, in leadership, has been challenging. The PAC has required adjustments on our part to an inadequate social space, so we’ve rented outside space for potlucks and other gatherings. We share the building, so we don’t have access to it all the time. We have to set up and take down for services every week. And the kitchen is totally inadequate for anyone’s needs, according to our hospitality team, who knows full well what it’s like!

But it has had its benefits as well. We have adequate space for our services and we have become much better known in the larger community for being a Partner for the PAC, along with other organizations which use the space. We are easier for visitors to find. And we are much appreciated by the Partners for our financial contributions to the treasury of the PAC, especially our Pete Seeger concerts!

Ellen and I are on the board of the PAC, representing PUUF’s interests--at the same time, we strive to maintain this building as a community space, open to all. The fundraising events we have organized as a requirement of our contract with the Partners have been very successful, bringing in thousands of dollars to help with PAC expenses and maintenance. But I will return to the PAC issue a little later in my remarks.

Change is hard. It brings loss and we have had many losses in our time together: deaths of beloved members and friends, making the tough decision to move from the little green church (which wasn’t perfect) into the PAC (which also isn’t perfect), people joining and then fading away, leaders being elected and then leaving, the on-going tension between those who prefer non-spiritual services and those who need to hear about the divine, including the idea of God, new members replacing longtime members in leadership, to name a few.

I counted up and I think we have had 5 or 6 different presidents of the congregation since I came in 2012: that’s only 6 and a half years. Cameron, Allison Wilski, Cameron again, Michael Rowe, Tara Geraci, and now Jimmy---most spending only one year or less in office.

It was hard for new presidents to keep track of the various projects that had been started because of the turnover and because of the growth. It was hard for me too, and I didn’t always realize the significance of the projects to the congregation, so I did not offer much support. It’s been a tough few years, even with all the good stuff going on.

As a former counselor to adolescents, I am well aware of the effects of loss on human beings; typical reactions are anger, wanting to make things return to the “old ways”, feeling left out, needing to talk about the loss but not knowing who to talk to, feeling critical and resentful; I see all these behaviors cropping up when adults (or kids) have changes thrust upon them.

It’s human nature. And most of us rise to the occasion as best we can, coping with the changes, making work-arounds, sucking it up, and maybe sticking with the new situation or maybe finding ways to avoid some of it.

But it can cause us to feel sad, irritable, resentful, even depressed. It’s been hard for you and for me too, and I’ve found myself over-performing, just trying to deal with the increased challenges of our situation. I know you have as well.

And now we’re facing the challenge of finding a new minister---I’m leaving, at least temporarily (though I will never stop loving you), and you are going to see a new face in the pulpit and in the PUUF community. It will be different when you hire a new minister, for both of us.

I know I’ll be experiencing the “empty nest” syndrome as I stay at home on Sunday mornings rather than come to unlock the building and greet early arrivals. I’ll have to think about how to restructure those hours on a Sunday that I’ve devoted to PUUF life. It will be a challenge and I’ll have to figure out who to give my set of PAC keys to!

As an aside, I find myself growing into a new way of looking at my religious calling, moving from the responsibility of ministry and its 24/7 on-call nature into the freedom of not being the banner carrier for UUism all the time, the freedom of being my own spiritual and religious self without worrying about what people think a minister should do.

I’ve been a UU since 1972 so it’s become a habit with me to live by our principles. I will have the freedom to watch you, as a Fellowship, encourage each other and the larger community to love and live our principles. You will become the banner-carrier for UUism in the larger community; you, with the new minister when they come, will carry the message of our faith forward into the world. I will too, but as a role model, not as a preacher.

Something you may be wondering---what if, after June 30, some tragedy occurs in the congregation, a death for instance, and the new minister has not yet arrived to conduct a memorial service or offer pastoral care? If necessary and appropriate I will help you with that crisis. After the new minister has been chosen by the board, I will work with that person to make sure your emergency needs are met. You will not be abandoned in a time of need.

Now let’s look at an issue which has been bothering a lot of people, I think---what if we decide to find a new space and move out of the PAC? Though I hope you won’t do that until your new minister is settled and can help with the process, in our contract with the PAC, it is specified that if PUUF (or any partner) decides to find a new home, PUUF is required to give 30 days notice before moving out. We are not tied to this building permanently. And it will be a decision by the board and membership, just as it was when we decided to move to the PAC three years ago.

We have a lot to be thankful for in our relationship with the PAC. This opportunity felt right when we were feeling rejected by a congregation which was uncomfortable with our more-liberal theology. The Partners for the PAC were thrilled that we wanted to be part of their community and we have been a good Partner.

However, PUUF will always need to consider what is best for our membership and community, so our board and other leadership, including the new minister, when they come, will continue to monitor how the needs of the Fellowship and the needs of the PAC overlap or conflict.

There has been concern, I know, about whether the PAC was going to be sold to a buyer who would kick us out and make us find a new space willy-nilly. At one time a few years ago, that looked like a possibility. The situation has changed and the PAC board is facing the likelihood that a local buyer or group of buyers, committed to keeping this building as a community resource for the arts, will purchase it and rent it back to the Partners, so that nobody needs to move unless they want to.

Right now, there are four potential scenarios: two different individuals connected to the arts in our area have been considering making the purchase (you would recognize their names if I mentioned them, but I’m sworn to secrecy, which is why this has been so hard to communicate about), a third is a consortium of buyers who would collaborate on the purchase of the building, and the fourth is that the Partners themselves would undertake a capital campaign and buy the building, with the help of grants and big donors and an experienced fundraising volunteer who is on the PAC board. The college would carry the loan for the Partners with reasonable terms.

I hope that these bits of information you may have lacked because of the need to restrict information about the potential sale of the PAC will help you think more clearly about the future of PUUF and its relationship with the PAC and also the responsibility we accepted when we agreed to become a Partner.

If we decide to leave, it means a facilities search for an appropriate new home. If we decide to stay, it means figuring out the best approach to the limitations we have experienced here. These are issues I hope you will approach wisely and openly.

Going forward and looking at the new world you’ll be entering with a new minister, I have some thoughts about how to manage this particular change in PUUFlife.

One of the pieces of wisdom offered to newly hired UU ministers is to NOT make big changes in congregational life right away, but to get to know the congregation and its elected leadership, its quiet, behind-the-scenes leaders, and the programming already in place. LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM is the first rule of a new ministry.

I know Sarah said in her message recently that a congregation that relies too much on discussion Sundays doesn’t thrive and grow; I see her point but I also see how valuable summer discussion Sundays have been for PUUF. It made summer programming possible without a great outlay of fees for visiting speakers. Many people love discussion Sundays but quite a few take the summer off and don’t attend at all. It would be interesting to find out how many people avoid discussion Sundays and why.

That gap in attendance does create a sense of disconnect between discussion lovers and discussion non-lovers. I hope you’ll work with your new minister to develop summer Sunday programming that appeals to all and to visitors as well.

Tod has done a great job the past three summers leading the discussion programming. A new minister will expect to be part of the planning for next summer and may have new ideas to make summer Sundays appealing to a larger group, including visitors and non-discussion folks.

One thing I’ve experienced with you is your ability to be honest about your discomfort with leadership; I’ve experienced critique that was valuable to me and I am sure other leaders have as well. One important thing about criticism is that it’s a two-way street; harsh criticism invites defensiveness and defensiveness tends to shut down communication. Dead end. Not helpful.

Being careful with words and body language on both sides makes critique more useful; it makes the critique easier to understand and to consider its usefulness.
I had a terrible experience at my first congregation. In my third year of ministry, I suddenly got a message from the board president that he’d received a letter from a group of 11 people who had been communicating with each other, and not with me, about all the things I was doing wrong as their minister.

I had no idea and it was devastating to think that people I had cared for in their time of need, who had been jolly to me on the outside, were actually working against me behind my back. I was a rookie in the job and made mistakes, yes, but there are better ways of making one’s disapproval known. I would have been willing to listen and consider changes, if they had talked to me directly, as individuals or as a group. But they didn’t know how to do that and I only knew how to be defensive and explain why I had or had not done certain things.

Don’t let that happen here when I’m gone, either with your new minister or with your leadership. It’s easier than you think to communicate transparently and honestly, even with people you’re not crazy about. I know that some of that communication has already happened, and I’m glad about it. It’s hurtful to be criticized, so it’s important to do it courteously and be open to a conversation about the topics raised.

We have six weeks or so left in our official time together. After June 30, I won’t be attending discussions or social times like coffee klatches and happy hours. But I will probably see you here and there and when I do, we will talk about things going on in our lives, but we won’t talk about church. I need to make a clean break, taking back my private, secular life; you will be able to talk with me about the joys in your life, how your grandkids or children are doing, that sort of thing.

But we need to be careful about how much I fall back into “minister” relationship at those times. I need to let go of that professional relationship with you and with the congregation, at least for awhile, until the new minister and I can create a covenant between us about my role with PUUF.

You have been so good to me and I have enjoyed my time with you so much that it will be hard to let go, for both of us. I will miss you dearly, but, like that Mom and her college student kid, I know that it is the best for both of us. You need the space to take the next step in your church life and I need the space to let you do it.

And now, I’d like to close by finishing the title of this sermon: “Goodbye and thanks for all the: love, fun, laughter, growth, sense of accomplishment, potlucks, and many more blessings from you that I can name.”

How would you finish the title? I’d like to know. “Goodbye and thanks for all the:

Let’s pause for a time of silent reflection and prayer.
BENEDICTION: Our worship service, our time of shaping worth together, is ended but our service to the world begins again as we leave this place. Let us go in peace, remembering that our beliefs and principles shape our behavior in the world. May we be loving and gentle and forgiving with each other and the folks we meet each day, strengthening the bonds of Fellowship with each interaction and healing the wounds we may inflict unintentionally. Amen, Shalom, Salaam, and Blessed Be.